Blah.

In spite of my progress RE anxiety, I am feeling generally down today. My parents are currently enjoying a weekend away at Centre Parcs - the lucky buggers. So maybe I'm missing them? Sounds pathetic doesn't it, a 21 year old missing her Mummy and Daddy... But I spend so much time with them, they're my friends too...and just being in this big house without them feels odd.

Alistair, my brother is here with his gf but they just hide away in his room all the time.. So it's me and the dogs. I'm in my parents room as they have a super nice bed, it's got a memory foam mattress! I woke up at half 10 to feed the dogs and instead of crawling straight back into bed I've stayed awake. I'm not dressed... Infact I didn't get dressed yesterday. I was supposed to be going shopping with my friend Jasmine today but cystitis has prevented that :( It's been re arranged for Tuesday though.

Oh deary me. Whatever's wrong? I just feel..flat and fed up! Like I could cry any minute now. Stupid me.

HIGH FIVE!!

Well.. I have made some huge steps this past week!

On Friday me and my boyfriend went to Asda (we go there many times as it's just down the road from where he lives) and he set me the task of going in alone whilst he waited in the foyer. On the way there I didn't feel anxious about it at all, well, I guess I did, but not..HUGELY panicky and terrified. We walked in and he sat down in the foyer and off I went. The plan was for me to get a magazine or book, pay and then come out. The book.mag aisle is just opposite the door so I wouldn't be far away from him and I could just run out if I needed to.

I walked in, with confidence. I knew what I was looking for.. Either Michael McIntyre's or Simon Pegg's book. But could I find them? NO. Last time I'd been in they were there but today...they were no where to be seen. This through me a little as it was not part of my plan... I looked up and down, up and down the shelves for these books, which felt like forever but was probably more like 1 minute. I did have a tiny urge to just walk out but something stopped that. I then saw
Gok Wan's book and chose that instead. I picked it up and headed to the self service check outs. There was a couple sort of hanging around like they were queuing but they didn't have any items and I was like..."are you queuing?are you not?.." I didn't want to push in so just..stood there for a bit like a pleb... Then they walked off! So I paid for my book and walked out to meet my boyfriend. He greeted me with a massive kiss and hug and I felt brilliant!!

When I got home I couldn't wait to tell my parents.. I even wrote about it on my status on facebook! Which 10 of my friends "liked" and commented on showing support which was so lovely.

Today, I went in the city with Dean. I hadn't been in since before Christmas! I went in 3 shops alone. THREE. ALONE. Hamleys, Bakers Oven and Accessorise. Dean waited outside whilst I had a browse. OH, also when we were in Primark he looked at the mens stuff and I looked at the ladies. So I am feeling very proud of myself. I know I will have set backs and days where I won't be feeling so great, but I can look back and say.."you've done it, you can do it again"

Derren Brown...

I am now the proud owner of two tickets to Derren Brown's show Svengali! I'm going to see him at the Theatre Royal in Norwich on April 11th (the day after my birthday) I'm on the 7th row from the front so will have a good view!! I am excited to see if I'll get picked to go up on stage... I think he is incredible and what he does is fascinating! Can't wait to see him!!

Also, how cool is the poster!

Miracle worker?

Yesterday I was feeling shitty shit shit. Today, I saw my counsellor, who has a "Gift" I'm sure of it. She knows things about me I haven't told her... Some people may be sceptical about spiritual healing, angels etc... I was too until I met her. But she says she can see our souls/spirits on the outside of us, like a tiny version of ourselves that float about, and that is where our fears are kept. She gets me lay back and close my eyes..and imagine myself sitting next to myself (if that makes sense) then she talks to the "other me" though my... God this all sounds confusing and is very hard to explain, but I swear she has made a massive difference to my life already. My anxiety is no where near as bad as it used to be. For instance, I can now be left alone for a little while whilst in a shop..

She's basically talking to my subconscious, similar to hypnotherapy. I guess you wouldn't believe in it unless it's happened to you.

Long time no see...

I haven't blogged for ages.. I can't actually remember the last time I logged on here actually. But things are going to change, I plan on blogging at least once a week from now on!

Christmas was lovely, I spent it with my nearest and dearest and received some very nice presents.

The day after boxing day was the start of a decline in my mood unfortunately. I spent the following days mainly in bed, crying and feeling generally awful. I'm not sure why. Maybe it was because I'd been so busy during the build up to Christmas and I was just tired? Or possibly it was the post Christmas blues. But after around 8 days my mood lightened. I'm now feeling pretty good, my boyfriend is really supporting me through fighting my anxiety. We've been out and about a lot more, we went for two meals this week! We went to Sainsburys and my little task was to leave him and go down an aisle alone and pick some items. Well, I done better than that.. I left him at the DVD section and went to the veggie part and butter part to get ingredients for a pizza pastry thing! So I was probably walking around alone for... 3 minutes. Okay that doesn't sound very long to you, but to me it's great!! I also went to Asda with him and walked from around half way through the store to the other end to get a cake then back again to meet him in the shampoo bit. These are baby steps but very important steps for me.

I need to continue going out in public pretty much every day and not allow myself to be stuck inside for too long as I do slip back into depression very easily.

I've almost finished my Victorian silhouette cross stitch. It's taken me ages as the aida is SO tiny, I think it's around 2mm. It's looking great though, so neat. My Mum finished her one of a stags head this evening, it looks brilliant. I'll take some photos later.

I got a cupcake cushion tapestry for Christmas off my parents which is absolutely gorgeous but is going to take me a very long time to complete. I've done 5 rows so far and that took a while.. but it's so cute and pretty, I can't wait to finish it!

I've made some new videos for youtube recently.. not that many people watch them, but it gives me something to do! Here's the link for my channel

I'm seeing Linda on Weds which I'm looking forward to, she is like a miracle worker I swear!

Time for bed! xxx