Day 8

Day 08- Short term goals for this month and why

1. Walk round the block alone everyday.
2. Go to sainsburys once a week every week. Be seperated from mum/dad for a short while.
3. Build more business for Sophie's Soap.
4. Be a Zoo Keeper for a day.
5. Get petrol alone.

These are all to build my confidence and to help get over my anxiety.

Lies

When I was in my early teens I lied a lot. I'd left school aged 13, had 1 friend and spent a lot of time on message boards online. To entertain myself, and maybe to create a different world I starting making things up. Some were petty, some were pretty awful. I now feel so terribly guilty and ashamed about these lies. I made online friends in America and they all believed these lies I was saying and being so kind...and it all got out of hand and I couldn't admit it was all a lie so things kept going and spiralling.

So ridiculous. To lie about such a thing is disgusting. I'm not going to say what I lied about and I never will, I am too ashamed of myself.

I don't really know what my reasons behind these lies were other than bored, wanting attention and an over active imagination.

Day 6 & 7

Day 06- Favourite superhero and why

I don't really know much about superheroes like superman or batman.. So I'm gonna say bananaman purely because it was on telly when I was younger and I like to eat bananas.

Day 07- A picture of something/someone that has the bigggest impact on you

Marc Bolan. I have had a fascination with this man since I was about 10 years old and I saw him perfoming with T.Rex on topt2. I loved the way he looked, the faces he pulled, the noises he made, the make up he wore. The songs he sang were cheerful, bizarre and wonderful. I have every book, dvd and cd by or about him. I know almost everything about him. I just think he was amazing. I wish I was born in the 60s and could have seen him live. I've seen the t.rextasy tribute band 3 times. Marc was a beautiful man, but very arrogant, he knew he was idolised and lapped it up. I just think he's wonderful.

Day 5

Day 05- A picture of somewhere you’ve been to

Centre Parcs, Elveden Forrest, Thetford.

I spent a week here with my family for my 21st birthday. We've been so many times, it's a brilliant place to go and relax and try new activities. Here is a photo of my boyfriend and Mum eating a BBQ in the lounge of our villa. Love the furniture and forrest wall paper

Days 3 and 4

Day 03- A picture of you and your friends

This was taken on my 21st birthday this year. I don't have many photos of me and my friends. I really have a few friends. This is Jasmine, on the left with the rose tattoos and Tess is in the middle. I'd count these as my best friends. I have other acquaintances I guess... but these are the two I see regularly and know about my problems. I do feel my friendship with Carina is growing stronger though, which I'm happy about. We seem to have a lot in common and she's mature and not bitchy.

Day 04- A habit that you wish you didn’t have

Hmmm. I could easily write "the fact I think about being sick all the time" but I won't. Save that story for another time.

I wish I didn't bite my nails, I've never had lovely long, feminine nails.. They aren't horrible bitten and stubby like some peoples are..but they're always short :( I also pick at my head a lot..any little spot or something on my head (hair) i pick pick pick. I also pluck my eye lashes out with my fingers, and now have hardly bloody any eye lashes and it looks awful. ALSO I pluck out my right eye brow when I watch telly without realising. Weirdo.

Hallowe'en

I've just been watching Take That's video for "Said it all" where they are clowns and have decided to be a sad French clown for hallowe'en. I love clowns, the make up..etc - yet i am scared of them. But I have always wanted to dress up as one..not a naff one, but a victorian style one.

I think I'm going to do with something similar to Howard's make up. What clothes should I wear though? Something just black and white?

You gotta have faith.

As George Michael said..you gotta have faith. Maybe not faith in the Lord, but just faith. Have faith in yourself, that things will get better. That this will pass. That this all happened for a reason.

Sometimes I loose the faith. In myself, in life. In everything. Today I woke up wishing I hadn't. My body felt rough due to the fact I'd slept for over 12 hours and had little to eat the day before. I just laid in my bed for ages struggling to find the energy

to get up. I rang my boyfriend. He cheered me up instantly. I haven't seen him since Friday..was meant to see him yesterday but felt too low...was meant to see him today, but the low feeling was still there. Every little thing made me angry. I could hear my Mum's foot steps in the kit

chen down stairs, and something as trivial as that sent me into a rag

e. I curled into a ball and just let the anger go. I eventually got up, got dressed and put some make up on - only because my Mum had a friend round and I didn't want her to see me looking like shit.

Later on I was sorting out my tablets and suddenly felt like crying. I told my Mum I feel worse than ever and I'm fed up of everything. Fed up of Doctors not

helping. I had a telephone interview with a nurse person two weeks ago, she said I would get a letter saying when I have an appointment with a psychiatrist..but I still haven't received a letter. It's been 3 months since I went to the Shaw Trust and I was meant to have seen a psych by then, but nothing's happened. I get put on one waiting list, then moved to another. It'

s a

good job I haven't killed myself waiting.

I feel like a little girl. I don't feel 21. I still feel 13, and I know I act like it sometimes. I'm scared of teenagers, if I see any when I'm out I get scared they're looking at me and laughing. I feel like a little girl, not an adult. I shouldn't be threatened by teenagers, I'm 21!

I want to LIVE MY LIFE. People don't realise just how isolated I am. I see my bf a few times a week, I see either Jaz or Tess once a fortnight maybe.. I don't

go out for days on end. I so badly want to put the dogs in my car and drive to Whitlingham Broad and take them for a walk alone... But, I just can't.

Sad things affect me more than a normal person I think. Like a sad song, or a sad storyline on tv. A song can make me feel such heart ache and I will cry and feel sad for hours. Why?!?!

I love Dean so much. I can feel suicidal until the minute I see h

im, then when he opens the door I feel lifted. He is a man of few words. But he knows when I'm not feeling well. I miss him

Anyway.

The soap room is almost finished, just need the microwave table and flooring. This evening I made quite a few soaps, I'm a bit behind with orders.. I felt better

after making them as it keeps my mind busy :)